Good days & Bad Days

When you are going through a process like this there are always good days and bad days. I will liken it too the five stages of grief the process you go through until you reach a stage where you can accept something like this. Sexual abuse is a lot more common place that people like to think and until it happens to you, you will never know how you will deal with it. As a mother I know I had very strong opinions on this before it happened to me

The five stages of grief are as follows and I will put in there what I went through at each stage to show the comparison.

1. Denial - This is a common stage when you child tells you something that you would never want to hear from them. If ever your child comes to you and tell you that they have been abused, even though in yourself you don't want to believe it, never let on to them. This is the most important. No matter what you feel inside, support them. They are sharing something with you, that has probably took all their courage to tell you and as their parent even though at first you don't want to believe it.. You have to support them. They are the victims here and they need their parent more than anything.
2. Anger - Anger at the betrayal not just by the perpetrator but by your child also. This could have been going on under your nose for years and you are angry with yourself for refusing to see, you are angry with the person who did these unspeakable things and you are also angry with your child for keeping it from you. When in this stage its important to not blame your child, they were powerless in all this. Even though you feel it inside never take it out on them. That would do more harm than good. When going through this process its important to seek counselling. So you have a safe place you can vent your feelings. I personally don't know where I would be without my counsellor, she has been a strength for me through all this and my safe vent place.
3. Bargaining - Now you may think to yourself where does bargaining come into all of this. Well I can only speak from personal experience here too what I bargained for. My daughter had disclosed it had been going on for many years and I refused to see that. You could say that is denial but it was not for in my mind I was bargaining with myself that it had not been going on that long, I would have seen surely. I would have known. My bargain was that it only happened a couple of times. Not as much as she said. Now I know this to be wrong but then that leads into the following stages.
4. Depression - As you can see from my earlier posts depression had took a hold of me good. I was sinking into a deep pit of it for a while and I even hid that from my counsellor, not the best idea. But this is an important stage leading too acceptance. When this first all come out and going through the stages I refused to even hear the details of the abuse. I could not cope with it all.I had not only been betrayed by my child but also the man I married and trusted. This is why counselling is not only important for you but also your child. All the gory details you are not ready to hear can still be addressed with a counsellor. I supported my child from the beginning but I could not hear the details not at first. Not while going through the stages.
5. Acceptance - It took me a long time to reach this stage in myself. To accept the abuse and know all the details of what my daughter had endured. Knowing everything I do now. I do not hate. Like I said in an earlier post. I pity him for obviously he was a lot more damaged than I ever realized when I was with him and I will not own his crimes, for they are his crimes to own and not mine. I consider myself a good mother. All I did wrong was trust the wrong man. This can happen to anyone. Once you have accepted all the facts then you can begin to heal not only yourself but your children also. Even though my boys were not sexually abused by him they were abused in other ways.

Now I know these are stages of grief but you can see how I outlined above how they apply to this traumatic situation. The two most important things that you must do when going through something like this is firstly support your child, even though they are telling you something you don't want to hear, this is the time in their lives they need you more than ever. So support them, and secondly do not blame yourself. You will go through phases of blaming yourself but by the time you reach the acceptance stage you should be past that and if you are not seek help. You sitting there wallowing in a pit of self pity will not help anyone and at this time your child needs you more than ever.

Today was the day I went to the counsellor and read through her statement and report that she is providing to the police on our behalves and even though it was very hard to read it was nothing that I did not already expect through talking with my child. At this time she has told me all, everything that he did to her. Remember my process started in January when she first disclosed and its took this long to get to this stage where I am able to actually handle it all.

Like the title of this blog I have good days and bad days.. But at least as a family we are on the road to recovery.