Beginning to Move Forward.

When I did my first post on this blog back on the last day of September, which in reality was only just over a week ago but feels like a different lifetime. I was in the middle of a deep depression, the stress of the last few months robbing me of my strength. I had gotten to the point where I was going to seek medical intervention. As in going to the doctors and getting something to help pull me out of my low. I am so glad now I didn't.

The last day or so since the arrest I feel so much lighter.. Not only the arrest has happened this week but my car sailed through its road test, which was a huge relief, also today, my dryer, which if you also live in Ireland you will know is a necessity if you want nice smelling dried clothes and not musty smelling clothes hanging around in the house for days trying to get them dry, but anyways I digress, my dryer is fixed and it did not cost a penny. It has not been working properly for months. Every time you hit the on switch the house fuse blew. That says to me short circuit. I had been calling an electrician I know locally to come and have a look at it but after two missed appointments I gave up. My nieghbour being the sweet guy he is said he would take a look and see if he could figure out what was wrong with it. After fiddling about with it for twenty minutes he took off the cover to the heating element, and you know what he found.. a bloody bra wire.. it was crossing between the element and another connection causing a short circuit... I have told the kids hundreds of times "Don't put the bra's in the dryer.. not only does it ruin the damn bras but can ruin the dryer.. " I love them but they can be lazy feckers at times.

Anyways, after putting it back together it now works perfectly ... I am going on a washing rampage this weekend.. Getting a lot of the musty smelling but dry clothing rewashed. Simple things like that thrill my world. Having clean nice smelling clothing .. Is a wonderful prospect. Now I hear you say 'Why don't you hang it outside' well I have tried that on many occasions.. but then I find myself running outside ten minutes later to pull it off the line as yet again it begins to rain.. Now in the summer months its not so bad as long as you get a few hours of sunshine, you can get it dried.. but once autumn hits here, it hits quick.. and before you know it, it rains for days on end and you are upto your ears in damp clothing with no place to dry it other than hanging it on clothes airers for days.. then it gets that awful dank smell that you can still smell even when dried.. so then you end up rewashing it again.. it's an endless cycle.. so yeah to  many of you a working dryer may not seem that important.. but yeah that rocked my world today.

My ex keeps creeping into my thoughts.. I am concerned for him and his welfare, see before he was arrested I was advised not to contact.. I did not want to contact anyway.. Not then..The guarda told me once he was arrested and interviewed we could contact.. but the other day when we spoke to them that changed again. I would like to send him a letter and I know a couple of the kids want too also.. So I am not sure, I know he committed horrible crimes.. All of us know that. But you can't just turn off love .. and no I am not in love with him and YES I do want a divorce but it don't mean I want to shut him out completely either. He was their Father. I am still in two minds..

There is another I've met, he has a special place in my heart. We haven't met in real life yet but we have known each other online since March 2009. At first yes, it was just a friendship.. and remained that way for a while. Then it began to blossom into something more. My Ex knew him and knew what was happening and at this time he had various online relationships that I allowed him to have, the ironic thing is my Ex actually introduced me to him.

When we first decided to take the online friendship a step further we made some rules up with my Ex's full knowledge... There will be nothing real life shared, no pictures, no phone numbers nothing. The whole thing will stay online and be online only existing only in the virtual environment where we met. He was also in a relationship, so we just played about and flirted .. I suppose in a way we were both seeking something that was lacking in our respective relationships.

My Marriage really broke down when we moved here, saying that I think it had broken down years before but I just did not see it.. My Ex and I were always close friends but the other side of the marriage was lacking for a long time and looking back I think that was guilt on his part.. and me sub consciously distancing myself from him.. I don't know.. I used to think I was madly in love with him and for a long time I think I was.. but moving here was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, if I had know what was going on with the abuse it would have obviously ended a lot sooner.

Anyways, this new online companion I had found, he was easy to talk to and we both found ourselves confiding in each other more and more. Wanting to spend all our hours online together. Just enjoying each others company. We would just sit somewhere in world and not even talk at times but finding comfort in each others company. Then one day he just said to me "I think I am in love with you" I was taken aback and did not know what to say.. I ended up making my excuses and logging off.. That night I could barely sleep .. his words echoed around my mind. I analysed how I felt .. how would I feel if he was out of my life tomorrow.. that was when I realized I felt the same for him .. that our relationship had crossed the boundaries we had put in place and was moving into real life feelings .. real life connections. I logged on the following day and just said to him in voice. I think I am in love with you too..

Since there we have been there for each other everyday. When he ended his real life relationship it was a hard time for him, the girl in question went a little psycho on him, actually calling his family etc.. it was a crazy time. I was there for him through all that. Obviously with me being married, ending that would not be as easy and it was not till after I kicked him out last December after he attacked my children, that my daughter felt safe enough to finally disclose to me what had been going on, then she only did that because my ex was coming back for a visit..that broke my heart.. There is a lot more than just the abuse of my daughter.. he emotionally abused all of us in one way or another.

Through all this my online partner has been there, emotionally supporting me. Everyday as this unfolded, he has listened and been strong for me when I was weak. Listened to every horrifying detail with quiet resolve and to be honest I don't know what I would have done without him. He has helped me every step of the way and still does now. It will come time soon for us too meet in real life. For him to visit me. I am not rushing it for a reason.. Not only do we have a court case hanging over us but I also need for my children to feel secure in their home before I introduce anyone else to the mix. He will come for a visit at first and meet everyone then we will take it from there.

To you my dearest love, Thank you, for everything, I know when we first took those tentative steps beyond friendship you did not realize what you were signing up for. To be honest neither did I really, but anyways thank you my love from the bottom of my heart. I love you and I am so in love with you xox If you read this feel free to leave a comment :)

A Corner Turned

((Originally Posted 6th October 2011))

Today I got the call I have been waiting for since this started. He has been arrested. I started to shake uncontrollably at first. The time had come to face this head on. Once this ball starts to roll there is no stopping it. Once we spoke with the Officers we found out he admitted it all. Apparently the way he reacted, it had been playing on his consciousness a lot.

I cut contact a few months ago. Once I found out the true extent of the crimes. How can I talk to someone who hurt my daughter? it was impossible, even though I still do care for him even now. My daughter comes first in all of this. Well since then he has known this was coming, I guess he was just waiting for the day to air his own demons and get the help he so desperately needs.

His actions the last day or so, I find myself unable to call him a monster. I guess I did that so I could deal with what he had done. Really he is not, just an extremely floored person who needs help.

When I used to hear about abuse I was the first one to say, castrate them, hang them high.. the list goes on. Now I know a person who committed these crime.. My thinking has changed..Is this wrong? That I am seeing the other side of the spectrum. All he is now is a broken man. He lost everything. His home, his family.. and now his freedom. I could say I want him to rot in jail but that would not be true. I wish him happiness, I don't think he was ever truly happy. Its like he was two people, the great dad and family man, then there is this monster within. The one that committed heinous crimes on the people that loved him the most in this world. On the ones that trusted him to protect them.

This is what made this whole thing the hardest, seeing these two beings exist in the one person you loved, the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with. I could hate him so easily.. But where would that get me? Hate is such a horrible destructive emotion. I don't hate him, I pity him more.

The children miss him, they miss the good him, the daddy him and I have to say I do too. He will never live with us again but maybe once this is all said and done, they may wish to contact him and I will not stand in their way. We are the only family he has and no matter what he did, he is still their Dad.

To move on from this you have to forgive, no matter how heinous the crime you have to find some room in your heart for forgiveness, put the blame where it is deserved and do not carry their crimes with you. If you do.. it will twist you up inside and you may not like what you turn into.

My daughter told me today she does not believe in God.. That had me a little upset when she said it, when I asked her why I could see her reasons "Where was God when I was being hurt? They said he walks by you then carries you when you are weak like Footprints in the sand.. he did not carry me" she paused and thought for a moment then continued "You know what I am going to say when someone asks what I believe in" I nodded and looked at her "Karma, thats it mummy, I believe in Karma" i sat and thought for a while and I can see her logic, since this all started the karma has kicked in with him big time. I mean look where his actions have left him... So there might be some truth in what she is saying.

I am sure one day she will regain her belief in God, I hope so, but its good to see she still has faith in something.

To my beloved Daughter,

You amaze me, your compassion and strength astounds me, your willingness to see the good in all people leaves me in awe. Through all your trials in life, you do not pity yourself, you get up and make a point of making others smile. You are wonderful.

I love you

Love

Mummy xox

Why?

((Originally Posted 4th October 2011))

Why do I feel guilty for another persons actions?

Well I keep talking to myself about this, why do I feel responsible for another persons actions.. Could I control him? No.. but and here is the rub.. I chose him. I brought him into our lives. Twenty/twenty vision when looking back is always good but its a rod I keep beating myself with.

I look back and there were times where my gut was trying to tell me and I would beat it down. Say to myself and out loud it was my own paranoia..He would even say it was my own paranoia..

I would ask, I questioned.. I used to think I was a great mum, I was happy how well I knew my children.. So how could this go on under my nose for so long. How could I be so blind.

So what do I feel guilty about?

To be honest I don't know there is so many things I do. Why didn't I get rid of him sooner? Why didn't I protect my children better, Why didn't I act on what my gut was telling me?, Why do I feel pity for him now?, Why the hell do I even care what happens to him? I can honestly say I do not love him anymore but why do I still care? I feel guilty for caring about him, really I should want him to rot in hell.. but I don't .. He is in my waking thoughts and now even invading my dreams.. I wake up scared.. Thinking he is here.. He is after my children again.. Each one of us he hurt in different ways but then on the surface would act the perfect step father. Each one of us he had control over in some way or another. Through fear and aggression. Even me. I used to think I was a strong person... I used to think I could read people really well.. So why did I fail so bad here?

I have been thinking on this a lot.. why did I fail to see.. If I really look at it truthfully.. I did see but I was too scared to confront it.. Too scared to find out for sure what the hell was going on. To scared for my family and children if this got out. Too scared to be viewed as a failure of a mother. The one thing that I chose to do, be a mum.. If people find out about this.. Well its probably more a case of when people find out about this.. Will they think I am a failure? That I did not protect my kids. I thought I was giving them a better life. Away from the big city, Moving to a man who loved me.. Loved my children, was there for us as a family. But really I was moving to nearly ten years of hell. Even though I did question both of them a few times, to have it denied.. Even asked her separately, like you are meant to do .. But the threats he had made to her, twisted her so bad.. She would say there was nothing going on. So what could I have done differently .. Would I undo the last ten years if I could.. I don't know.. There are a lot of things in the last ten years I don't regret.. But if I could go back and do things differently .. I think I would.

But I can't so now I have to deal with this and move on, for not just my kids sake. But for my own sake. I can't change what has happened, I only have control over the now.. So.. Time to get on with it.

Feeling around in the Dark

((Originally Posted 1st October 2011))

Today started like yesterday.. overcast and constant rain. I wonder if that is having an effect on my general mood.. It could be.. who knows.. The burden seemed a bit lighter today though. I plugged back into the world. Did the usual grocery shop and after spending some time with the family I decided to get back to something I love to do. Role Play.

For those of you who don't know what that is. Its not something kinky.. lets get that straight. Its storytelling with a group of like minded people. Its usually based on a famous film or Tv series and my current one I am involved in helps take my mind off the crap in my real life. I suppose you can call it a means of escape.. In a way it is.. but we all need that to some extent. Call it a hobby.

I love to write, but since all this started it has been robbed from me. I had writers block for the longest time.. It was getting to the point where I thought it would never break. Do you know how frustrating that can be? The RP helped me break it .. its come back a little to some extent but thats because the pressure increased in my RL.. Hopefully it won't stick around long. I think that is another reason why I decided to write this. To cover my moods and feelings each day and deal as they arise and not have them buried within. To bury how you feel is not healthy and just leads to a breakdown .. That is not something I ever want.

My daughter has caught a cold.. Its so hard for her..I admire her strength..She amazes me each and every day. We have always had such a close bond. The Monster in our life's the one that is now gone but still overshadowing everything we do.. He twisted that bond.. used it as a weapon against her.. a threat to snatch her away from me.. To control her.. That is something that I am finding hard to deal with. Our bond is pure and to be sullied this way does not sit well with me. thankfully.. we have come out the other side now.. we still have some ways to go with legal things.. But her and I .. our bond is stronger than ever.

Now I am gonna take each day as it comes.. take one step at a time..eventually I will forgive myself and this blog will have a big part in that.

How it is..

((originally posted 30/09/11))


People keep asking how I am feeling if I am okay. I want to scream at the top of my lungs I am not okay...You know how hard it is to carry this burden? You know how hard it is to get up everyday and pretend you are fine .. have to be brave and strong for the kids. Have to not show them how shitty you feel inside.

This year has been an awful one and to be honest I cannot wait until it is over. To start with my marriage is over. In hindsight that's not a bad thing considering its been over since at least 2007, I really made a huge mistake here.. did I learn from it.. Hell yes.. will I repeat the same mistake .. HELL NO! But since the marriage collapsed before Christmas 2010, the things I have found out... How stupid must I be to not see something that was going on beneath my nose.. I am not going into detail here.. But my god.. why did I not see.. Why did I not cut the dead wood away sooner and save us all from pain..

I get told .. Don't blame yourself it was not your fault.. How can I not.. I am their Mother.. I am meant to protect and nurture my children not expose them to a monster. Yes he was dressed in sheep's clothing but still a monster.. the messed up thing is .. even now with ALL I know.. I still worry if he is okay.. I am still concerned to what happens to him ... Don't mean I would ever take him back .. HELL NO.. you can quote me on that.

I can't talk much yet on this.. lots of things still pending but the last couple of weeks I have been feeling out of control with my life. All the stress and worry since this year began is weighing down on me heavy.. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I do of course.. I go through the motions.. I talk to my kids..In RL that's all I do talk too.. Everyone else including family I have pulled away from. I have a lot of online friends... But I don't confide in them.. mostly they confide in me.. Find me an easy place to lean.. I have one I lean on... Lately .. I have even shut that person out.. Guilt..guilt for failing my children.. If you talk to them they will tell you I have not failed.. My daughter has said for a long time I am her hero.. I don't know why she says that.. I don't see it myself.. Maybe one day I will.. Once the world slows down..

So.. well.. I have decided to start writing this blog, to try and air the feelings I have locked inside. To try and give them a public voice. Writing this little bit has made me feel lighter.. This is just the start and I hope to start adding each day..

Right now though.. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE.. I am making this pledge today.. to turn this around, to stop letting that monster dominate my thoughts.. to stop letting this guilt I should not be feeling overwhelm me.. To be a better Mother.. To be me.. I miss me..