People keep asking how I am feeling if I am okay. I want to scream at the top of my lungs I am not okay...You know how hard it is to carry this burden? You know how hard it is to get up everyday and pretend you are fine .. have to be brave and strong for the kids. Have to not show them how shitty you feel inside.
This year has been an awful one and to be honest I cannot wait until it is over. To start with my marriage is over. In hindsight that's not a bad thing considering its been over since at least 2007, I really made a huge mistake here.. did I learn from it.. Hell yes.. will I repeat the same mistake .. HELL NO! But since the marriage collapsed before Christmas 2010, the things I have found out... How stupid must I be to not see something that was going on beneath my nose.. I am not going into detail here.. But my god.. why did I not see.. Why did I not cut the dead wood away sooner and save us all from pain..
I get told .. Don't blame yourself it was not your fault.. How can I not.. I am their Mother.. I am meant to protect and nurture my children not expose them to a monster. Yes he was dressed in sheep's clothing but still a monster.. the messed up thing is .. even now with ALL I know.. I still worry if he is okay.. I am still concerned to what happens to him ... Don't mean I would ever take him back .. HELL NO.. you can quote me on that.
I can't talk much yet on this.. lots of things still pending but the last couple of weeks I have been feeling out of control with my life. All the stress and worry since this year began is weighing down on me heavy.. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I do of course.. I go through the motions.. I talk to my kids..In RL that's all I do talk too.. Everyone else including family I have pulled away from. I have a lot of online friends... But I don't confide in them.. mostly they confide in me.. Find me an easy place to lean.. I have one I lean on... Lately .. I have even shut that person out.. Guilt..guilt for failing my children.. If you talk to them they will tell you I have not failed.. My daughter has said for a long time I am her hero.. I don't know why she says that.. I don't see it myself.. Maybe one day I will.. Once the world slows down..
So.. well.. I have decided to start writing this blog, to try and air the feelings I have locked inside. To try and give them a public voice. Writing this little bit has made me feel lighter.. This is just the start and I hope to start adding each day..
Right now though.. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE.. I am making this pledge today.. to turn this around, to stop letting that monster dominate my thoughts.. to stop letting this guilt I should not be feeling overwhelm me.. To be a better Mother.. To be me.. I miss me..
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