Beginning to Move Forward.

When I did my first post on this blog back on the last day of September, which in reality was only just over a week ago but feels like a different lifetime. I was in the middle of a deep depression, the stress of the last few months robbing me of my strength. I had gotten to the point where I was going to seek medical intervention. As in going to the doctors and getting something to help pull me out of my low. I am so glad now I didn't.

The last day or so since the arrest I feel so much lighter.. Not only the arrest has happened this week but my car sailed through its road test, which was a huge relief, also today, my dryer, which if you also live in Ireland you will know is a necessity if you want nice smelling dried clothes and not musty smelling clothes hanging around in the house for days trying to get them dry, but anyways I digress, my dryer is fixed and it did not cost a penny. It has not been working properly for months. Every time you hit the on switch the house fuse blew. That says to me short circuit. I had been calling an electrician I know locally to come and have a look at it but after two missed appointments I gave up. My nieghbour being the sweet guy he is said he would take a look and see if he could figure out what was wrong with it. After fiddling about with it for twenty minutes he took off the cover to the heating element, and you know what he found.. a bloody bra wire.. it was crossing between the element and another connection causing a short circuit... I have told the kids hundreds of times "Don't put the bra's in the dryer.. not only does it ruin the damn bras but can ruin the dryer.. " I love them but they can be lazy feckers at times.

Anyways, after putting it back together it now works perfectly ... I am going on a washing rampage this weekend.. Getting a lot of the musty smelling but dry clothing rewashed. Simple things like that thrill my world. Having clean nice smelling clothing .. Is a wonderful prospect. Now I hear you say 'Why don't you hang it outside' well I have tried that on many occasions.. but then I find myself running outside ten minutes later to pull it off the line as yet again it begins to rain.. Now in the summer months its not so bad as long as you get a few hours of sunshine, you can get it dried.. but once autumn hits here, it hits quick.. and before you know it, it rains for days on end and you are upto your ears in damp clothing with no place to dry it other than hanging it on clothes airers for days.. then it gets that awful dank smell that you can still smell even when dried.. so then you end up rewashing it again.. it's an endless cycle.. so yeah to  many of you a working dryer may not seem that important.. but yeah that rocked my world today.

My ex keeps creeping into my thoughts.. I am concerned for him and his welfare, see before he was arrested I was advised not to contact.. I did not want to contact anyway.. Not then..The guarda told me once he was arrested and interviewed we could contact.. but the other day when we spoke to them that changed again. I would like to send him a letter and I know a couple of the kids want too also.. So I am not sure, I know he committed horrible crimes.. All of us know that. But you can't just turn off love .. and no I am not in love with him and YES I do want a divorce but it don't mean I want to shut him out completely either. He was their Father. I am still in two minds..

There is another I've met, he has a special place in my heart. We haven't met in real life yet but we have known each other online since March 2009. At first yes, it was just a friendship.. and remained that way for a while. Then it began to blossom into something more. My Ex knew him and knew what was happening and at this time he had various online relationships that I allowed him to have, the ironic thing is my Ex actually introduced me to him.

When we first decided to take the online friendship a step further we made some rules up with my Ex's full knowledge... There will be nothing real life shared, no pictures, no phone numbers nothing. The whole thing will stay online and be online only existing only in the virtual environment where we met. He was also in a relationship, so we just played about and flirted .. I suppose in a way we were both seeking something that was lacking in our respective relationships.

My Marriage really broke down when we moved here, saying that I think it had broken down years before but I just did not see it.. My Ex and I were always close friends but the other side of the marriage was lacking for a long time and looking back I think that was guilt on his part.. and me sub consciously distancing myself from him.. I don't know.. I used to think I was madly in love with him and for a long time I think I was.. but moving here was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, if I had know what was going on with the abuse it would have obviously ended a lot sooner.

Anyways, this new online companion I had found, he was easy to talk to and we both found ourselves confiding in each other more and more. Wanting to spend all our hours online together. Just enjoying each others company. We would just sit somewhere in world and not even talk at times but finding comfort in each others company. Then one day he just said to me "I think I am in love with you" I was taken aback and did not know what to say.. I ended up making my excuses and logging off.. That night I could barely sleep .. his words echoed around my mind. I analysed how I felt .. how would I feel if he was out of my life tomorrow.. that was when I realized I felt the same for him .. that our relationship had crossed the boundaries we had put in place and was moving into real life feelings .. real life connections. I logged on the following day and just said to him in voice. I think I am in love with you too..

Since there we have been there for each other everyday. When he ended his real life relationship it was a hard time for him, the girl in question went a little psycho on him, actually calling his family etc.. it was a crazy time. I was there for him through all that. Obviously with me being married, ending that would not be as easy and it was not till after I kicked him out last December after he attacked my children, that my daughter felt safe enough to finally disclose to me what had been going on, then she only did that because my ex was coming back for a visit..that broke my heart.. There is a lot more than just the abuse of my daughter.. he emotionally abused all of us in one way or another.

Through all this my online partner has been there, emotionally supporting me. Everyday as this unfolded, he has listened and been strong for me when I was weak. Listened to every horrifying detail with quiet resolve and to be honest I don't know what I would have done without him. He has helped me every step of the way and still does now. It will come time soon for us too meet in real life. For him to visit me. I am not rushing it for a reason.. Not only do we have a court case hanging over us but I also need for my children to feel secure in their home before I introduce anyone else to the mix. He will come for a visit at first and meet everyone then we will take it from there.

To you my dearest love, Thank you, for everything, I know when we first took those tentative steps beyond friendship you did not realize what you were signing up for. To be honest neither did I really, but anyways thank you my love from the bottom of my heart. I love you and I am so in love with you xox If you read this feel free to leave a comment :)