New Year - New Start?

Christmas was not as bad as I thought it would be. It was quiet with just me and the kids but that's the way I like it. I am not one for all the family gatherings. My counciller would say I am hiding. I don't think it's that. I just like it to be me and the guys. No family drama. 

Today has not been so good though. Got a phone call this morning from the police. Apparently he was in court today locally. Its the first round of court procedures as it makes it's way up to the major courts. He was charged with 114 separate counts of abuse. I asked after his welfare being the person that I am. He was nonchalant.. How can that be? Obviously I had to share the information with the children. My daughter was at first good with it. But I noticed as the day progressed we were all getting snappy with each other. So by evening time I decided to talk about the elephant in the room and ask each of them how they felt. My son's were in two minds for as they both said he was their daddy for so long. They did not realize the extent of the abuse and how long it went on for until we spoke to them today about it. I think this is all going to take time to sink in with them. They both admitted to missing him and well I cannot blame them for that for even though he hurt them it was not as bad as what my daughter suffered. 

I sent the lads out of the room so I could talk to my daughter on her own as she began to cry and well was adamant she did not want to talk about it.  That is never a good sign with her and I approached it by telling her how I felt about him which right now is "He can rot in hell for all I care, if I see him again in this lifetime its way too soon" after I said that she opened up and talked about it. She feels the same as me. This roller coaster of feelings is hard to take. Lately I have not thought about him and what he did everyday and today was like a punch in the gut. I know this is just the start of this and they need me now more than ever. I just hope the bastard does not recount he's guilty plea and put us through a trial. I have talked about possibly keeping the lines of communication open for the boys sake and for his. I am pretty sure my daughter never wants to talk to him again but I am not so sure now. That bastard he hurt her big time.. how can I let my lads talk to him now. He deserves everything he gets. No doubt I will swing back and forth with emotion there is no wrong or right way to do this. Just our way and what's right for us. 

Chasing my tail - Christmas is coming

Guilt setting in.. Again.. This is a constant cycle of good and bad. He has been playing on my mind a lot lately.. I don't know why ..Why the hell should I feel guilty just because Christmas is coming or what? I mean hell he put himself there my conscious brain tells me that a lot but then what was my part in this..

1. I fell in love with him
2. I moved over there with my children to be with him.
3. I chose him
4. Sub-consciously I see the signs.
5. I was not forceful enough when asking both of them.
6. I did not protect my daughter.
7. I blame myself for not stopping it sooner.
8. I stuck my head in the sand and was happy to do it.

Why did I do that?? this is a question that is going to haunt me. I know this is not my fault I did not hurt my daughter. I love her more than anything. But I allowed him in. This is like a cycle of guilt.. Why do I keep blaming myself.

We are coming up on a year anniversary of kicking him out. I think this is why its playing on my mind so much where was a culpable in this. What blame should I own if any.

I have to shake this and move forward, I am worried about Christmas, I know I don't have much money and my kids don't ask for much. I am just hoping I can pull it out of the bag. They are teenagers they want expensive things like new phones.. *sighs* wish me luck on that.  I don't know what I am going to do. Its not just Christmas due to bad planning on my part its their birthday's either side of the holidays.

Even getting the decorations are hard for me for its a reminder of last year when everything went so wrong, so badly wrong and then just before the boys birthday my daughter blurted the truth.

You know that asshole even threatened her on the phone after I threw him out.. I mean what the hell. Okay I am getting mad again. I threw him out of the home and I was being a good person allowing him contact and he threatened her and I still did not see. It was not until the threat of him coming round on the boys birthday that she told the truth and since then my life has been full of thoughts, guilt and questions. I feel like I am coming out of it then I think of him in prison and I feel guilty again even my daughter has shared with me that she feels guilty for putting him there. Then you know what I say to her "He put himself there, don't own his guilt" I wish I could believe that myself.

Breathe (2am)

This song has rung very true with me the last few days. When you reach a point in life when you realize that there is no rewind button and if you keep trying to turn back time you will just keep repeating the same mistakes. There is no rewind button on life, no do-overs. This is it. With everything that I have been through I have come to realize that I cannot change what has happened. I only have control over the here and now. The sooner you realize that you can get on with life. Its a healthy way too look at things. The main thing in this life is too learn from the mistakes of the past so you are not doomed to repeat them.


The Serenity prayer is also something to live by:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference.

You do not have to pray to God you pray to what you believe in. It all ties in together with the path of healing. You cannot keep blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You have to put the blame where it is deserved and move on with your life. If you keep beating yourself up, the person who caused the pain and damage will still have control over you. Think about it. If you were raped and you cannot go outside through fear of it happening again, the rapist is still damaging your life and the real kicker is you are allowing them too. Things happen to us do not have to define our lives. It is up to us to breathe and just move forward for the time you waste on trying to change the past you will never get back.




Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Child Abuse - My Views - Raising your Children 1

There are many forms of abuse and when we are talking about child abuse, most automatically jump to the obvious one - Sexual Abuse - This is not the only form. You have - Physical Abuse - Emotional Abuse - Neglect.

How you raise your children is a reflection on you and your controls. Being raised in a bad home yourself is no excuse in my opinion, to inflict the same upbringing on your own children. You have to recognize that the way you were raised maybe not be the right way. There are cycles of abuse you can break. You have to stand up and break them. Your children did not ask to be born and its up to you to give them the best of yourself you can and not scar them with your actions.

I am going to talk about in this blog about the various forms of abuse. If this just get read by one parent and they can see where they are going wrong and it helps them change their ways and in turn gives their children a better life then this is not in vain. I can say I helped, I contributed.

I will cover one form of abuse and it may go over a few posts. I am not sure because I am just writing this off the cuff and getting down in some sort of print the stuff that goes on in my mind.

Being a parent is one of the most hardest and underrated jobs in the world. We are raising the future here. Not just a kid. Children are our legacy, and they are the mark we leave on this world when we are gone. It is up to us as parents to give them the best we possibly can. There is no such thing as a perfect parent we all make mistakes and have failures. Being a good parent is recognizing that first off and then correcting the mistakes to make their lives easier.

In recent years children have changed drastically and they face so much more than we could ever imagine. They are bombarded everyday with negatives. With the changes in our society, children are being raised more by the media and their peers then having parental guidance than ever and that is the sad state we live in today. It is up to us to stop this cycle. I understand when both parents have to work but you also have a duty to be their for your children. If there is anyway you could give up working and go home and raise your children I would implore you to do so. You don't need all the material stuff and credit cards. They won't help you when you turn to look at your son at 16 and you don't even recognize him. Gone are the precious years, gone is the little boy that hung on your every word. He has been replaced by a brooding teenager who at the cross roads in his life is missing one vital thing. The guidance he needs to make the right choices. To not drink alcohol, to not do drugs .. To not be having sex. This is their most vital time, if you did your job up to now you will have well rounded kids who want more out of life. Who want to succeed and not fall into the trappings of today's teenagers.


I have three teenage children who every night are at home with me. I know what I am talking about. When I fell pregnant with my first child I made a choice to stay at home and raise them. Yes, we did not have much money and even now we still struggle but we are a close nit family who love and respect one another. I did make mistakes and my biggest one was not seeing the abuse that was going on from my now ex partner but you got to understand, I was being abused too. I would put myself between him and them all the time to prevent it. But this post is not about that. This is about all the children. All the ones in the world I see everyday lost. It breaks my heart to see so many children nowadays who do not even know basic manners. Never display the most basic compassion. They have grown up so fast and most look to the media for information rather than ask their mom.. Something is very wrong and very broken in society for this to happen. We can all point to the broken home syndrome, the violence in video games or the violence on TV. Those are just EXCUSES. Most of the time its because the parents were not there at crucial times in their childrens lifes to guide them to make better choices.

Thats a parents job, to make your child feel like they matter. To listen to your child when they are talking. To praise your child when they do something good and to discipline your child when they do something bad. To answer their questions and be their soft place to fall when things don't go so well. To wrap your arms around them everyday no matter how big they get and tell them you love them. To respect them and give them the credit they deserve. My boys are huge now and we don't care where we are they will still hug me and tell me they love me. My daughter still cuddles up to me on the couch and we chat.. Even after all this. So I must be doing something right, so I am hoping by writing this I can help another parent do right by their children.

I will try and give advice.. so if you have any questions feel free to ask.. There are various ways you can contact me. The better ways are at the side of this blog. I will cover from 0 till whenever for once you have a child even when they are forty they will still need a hug from their mom. Its a job for life and one of the most rewarding jobs in the world.

Sinus Infection & Good News

This sickness just don't seem to want to let go of me.  Between this and the near fatal death of my laptop its been a stressful few days. 

I was over optimistic about my laptop and on the 2nd November my laptop keyboard gave up altogether and refused to type a thing. I guess drowning it in hot chocolate was not a good idea after all. I ended up finding out the part number of the keyboard and ordering a new one which I fitted myself and now using.. needs wearing in a bit, you know how a new keyboard feels.. Its not right until you have been typing on it for a while. I am just glad that is all that I broke the day of the halloween horror... Needless to say no viscous fluids are going near my laptop again. 

The sickness is another thing entirely. This is my first ever sinus infection and I know from this experience I never want another one. This has me so drained that all I want to do is sleep. I get shakey when walking, constantly out of breath and the headaches... Its just too much at times. It just zaps all your energy and its not just me in the house sick. My daughter is still not better either so we are both booked in for a doctors appointment tomorrow. I just hope she does not want to send us to the hospital.. Our doctor has the tendency to over react.. and yeah you may think its a good idea but where I live the hospital is a 80 mile round trip and trying to drive that far with a constant head ache... its just not in our best interests at all. But I will stay my judgement and see what tomorrow brings. 

He has been playing on my mind a lot lately. I guess you could say its guilt for sometimes I feel I put him there.. Even though it was not my actions that did this too him. It was his own but it don't stop the guilt feelings creeping up on you when you least expect it. I have to have an internal conversation to remind myself that this was not my fault and its not my guilt to own its his.. He did all this. That old adage "You've made your bed, you have to lie in it" seems to apply here a lot. But I do worry still.. What is happening to his place.. He had just started to set up a new life for himself and we took that all away by going to the police and getting him arrested but then if we hadn't and he went on to abuse someone else.. then how would we feel knowing we could have prevented it.. That sort of guilt I don't think I would be able to carry and no doubt once he serves his time etc he will get help setting up his life again. I would like to send him a letter or something just to let him know we do still care for him. I don't know if it is allowed or not. I know one of my boys would like to do that. Obviously my daughter is not ready for that for a long time but even she has admitted in her own way that she still cares.. So I am not sure what to do. I guess I will just continue to live each day as it comes and go from there. 

Its nice to have my keyboard back and to be able to type properly again.. gibberish and a crappy USB mini keyboard was just not cutting it. 

Until next time 

Sera 

Good Days.

Good day today. Had my last session for a while with my counsellor, I at first was so against counselling but even now I am surprised with how much it has helped me work through this. I have always felt I am a very strong person and through most of the trials in my life I have a worked out on my own but this challenge was a lot different, it was not me that was hurt, even though I married this man and trusted him, it was my daughter that was hurt.  I could not deal with that guilt and pain alone and my counsellor was the outside voice I needed. I think to really admit you need help is one of the strongest decisions you can ever make. Without that how are you meant to move forward.

There are lots of ways I can help others this being just one of them.  I need to start reaching out too my strengths and help others. Not keep hiding behind the computer and venture out into the world a lot more. I have to say all in all I am happy in my life. Happy keeping my family at arm’s length the way I do, it’s not because I don’t love them, I do, but I have done the family drama and I don’t want to go back to that. 

Okay it’s time to go over the sickness we have been having the last few weeks in own house. First my daughter come down sick and that passed to me.  Then it passed to one of my twins. It started with me as a simple cold, then went to flu then to a sinus infection which I still have. The headaches with a sinus infection can be crippling to a point that I find it hard to look at a screen close up for long periods of time.  I have just wanted to sleep and the thought of writing was alien to me. Now as you see I am attempting to get back into it and I hope all this sickness all disappears soon.

The Halloween horror is still making its presence felt. Some of my keys are still screwed up and it’s driving me nuts, I may have to bite the bullet and see how much it will cost to get the laptop taken apart and cleaned. It is something I could do but I do not want to risk breaking it altogether. All depends on the cost which I am going to have to research. I have found a website with detailed instruction on how to disassemble my laptop so we will see. I will keep you updated. 

Near Death Experience of a Laptop ((Halloween Horror))

Thank God my laptop still works after I nearly killed it with a cup of hot chocolate. I have never been so lucky in all my life.  I thought that was it when the brown liquid hit the computer square on the keyboard. I snatched that baby up and inverted it straight away. Then hit the off switch to stop it from shorting out and pulled the power lead. After screaming at the kids “Quick move get me something” my hands were shaking covered in hot chocolate holding my laptop as the liquid dripped over the carpet.  One of the lads passed me a tea towel and I frantically wiped down the keyboard keeping it inverted as I did. All that was going through my mind was that was it I just killed a 6 month old laptop that I really love and I will not have the money to replace it.

After ensuring the outside was dry I laid it down on a chair still upside down almost tent fashion with the laptop still opened and tried to turn it on... nothing.. Not a thing happened... I was like oh shit... That’s it. It’s not going to work ever again.  Hands still shaking I said to the guys to go and do their kitchen chores as I was ready to snap and I did not want to take it out on them. I asked one of them to fetch me the hairdryer and I set to work.

Closing the lid I sat it upside down and removed the battery, seeing it wet my heart sank, crap... it got through the computer, that’s it the motherboard is fried. I did not turn it off quick enough... grrr... I did not give up though and I refused to lose my cool. I took off the cover for the hard drive and there was no wet in there but it gave me access to the motherboard vents to get more effective with the hairdryer. I continued on drying it. Turning it over and opening the front up me dried through the keys hoping and actually saying a little prayer that my little laptop will still find life.

After 10 minutes of frantic drying, I angled it so I could see if it would turn on... A little blue flash caught my eye, then another, then the orange one lit up and before I knew it I was on the sign on screen, I let out a sigh of relief, my daughter looked at me. “See Mum I told you, you caught it quick enough, those cat like reflexes did the job” I was not convinced, I shut it down and reassembled the back, finally putting in the power lead to see if I did not ruin that also. Restarting the computer and getting to the sign on screen was the first obstacle now the next one trying to sign in.

Sighing, my fingers resting on the slightly sticky feeling keys I typed in my password. The message come up, wrong password. So I typed it again and as I am typing I notice, when I hit the keys two letter were coming up instead of one. Working out that it was typing an extra letter I hit the back arrow and deleted the right one for when I pressed enter it starting to log in. My heart lifted “It’s Alive!” I thought to myself. The first thing I did was going to my user accounts and took the password off. I thought to myself if it screws up more least I know I will be able to get the thing logged in.

Then I opened a word document and began to type, oh my lord it was bad. Most keys were typing the letter and a number, when I hit shift nothing would happen. I started to panic. I love to write and have a very set way of typing, I could not even use a question mark. What the hell was I going to do? Sitting there the kids looking at me expectantly I could not lose it... Not now. I have come this far keeping my cool so you would be damned if I was going to lose it now.  So I did the best thing, I shut it down and then just sat it inverted on the table to let it dry out for a while.

After about ten minutes I opened it up and checked the screen to see if there were any sticky hot chocolate spots. No was still lucky on that front... nothing leaking...

So I closed it again and left it. A few hours later I took my laptop upstairs and started that baby up once more. It was smooth but when I began to type... wow... the keys felt weird and there were capital’s where there should not be capitals and the space bar felt all gooey. There were full stops appearing all over the place. So I proceeded to pick off the keys and clean them, and boy was there some gooeyness. Then I looked up on the internet what could stop both of my shift keys to work other than gooey hot chocolate, well I discovered that Skype has A tendency to take over your keys. SO I turned it off and low And behold I had shift function.

It’s still touch and go, not my usual laptop yet but it’s getting there. Going to shut this baby down now And give it a break but I thought I would share the Halloween fright I had this year.

Sorry I have not been blogging these last few weeks. I have had a bout of sickness but I feel that is another story for my next post. Fingers crossed