Guilt setting in.. Again.. This is a constant cycle of good and bad. He has been playing on my mind a lot lately.. I don't know why ..Why the hell should I feel guilty just because Christmas is coming or what? I mean hell he put himself there my conscious brain tells me that a lot but then what was my part in this..
1. I fell in love with him
2. I moved over there with my children to be with him.
3. I chose him
4. Sub-consciously I see the signs.
5. I was not forceful enough when asking both of them.
6. I did not protect my daughter.
7. I blame myself for not stopping it sooner.
8. I stuck my head in the sand and was happy to do it.
Why did I do that?? this is a question that is going to haunt me. I know this is not my fault I did not hurt my daughter. I love her more than anything. But I allowed him in. This is like a cycle of guilt.. Why do I keep blaming myself.
We are coming up on a year anniversary of kicking him out. I think this is why its playing on my mind so much where was a culpable in this. What blame should I own if any.
I have to shake this and move forward, I am worried about Christmas, I know I don't have much money and my kids don't ask for much. I am just hoping I can pull it out of the bag. They are teenagers they want expensive things like new phones.. *sighs* wish me luck on that. I don't know what I am going to do. Its not just Christmas due to bad planning on my part its their birthday's either side of the holidays.
Even getting the decorations are hard for me for its a reminder of last year when everything went so wrong, so badly wrong and then just before the boys birthday my daughter blurted the truth.
You know that asshole even threatened her on the phone after I threw him out.. I mean what the hell. Okay I am getting mad again. I threw him out of the home and I was being a good person allowing him contact and he threatened her and I still did not see. It was not until the threat of him coming round on the boys birthday that she told the truth and since then my life has been full of thoughts, guilt and questions. I feel like I am coming out of it then I think of him in prison and I feel guilty again even my daughter has shared with me that she feels guilty for putting him there. Then you know what I say to her "He put himself there, don't own his guilt" I wish I could believe that myself.
