Guilt setting in.. Again.. This is a constant cycle of good and bad. He has been playing on my mind a lot lately.. I don't know why ..Why the hell should I feel guilty just because Christmas is coming or what? I mean hell he put himself there my conscious brain tells me that a lot but then what was my part in this..
1. I fell in love with him
2. I moved over there with my children to be with him.
3. I chose him
4. Sub-consciously I see the signs.
5. I was not forceful enough when asking both of them.
6. I did not protect my daughter.
7. I blame myself for not stopping it sooner.
8. I stuck my head in the sand and was happy to do it.
Why did I do that?? this is a question that is going to haunt me. I know this is not my fault I did not hurt my daughter. I love her more than anything. But I allowed him in. This is like a cycle of guilt.. Why do I keep blaming myself.
We are coming up on a year anniversary of kicking him out. I think this is why its playing on my mind so much where was a culpable in this. What blame should I own if any.
I have to shake this and move forward, I am worried about Christmas, I know I don't have much money and my kids don't ask for much. I am just hoping I can pull it out of the bag. They are teenagers they want expensive things like new phones.. *sighs* wish me luck on that. I don't know what I am going to do. Its not just Christmas due to bad planning on my part its their birthday's either side of the holidays.
Even getting the decorations are hard for me for its a reminder of last year when everything went so wrong, so badly wrong and then just before the boys birthday my daughter blurted the truth.
You know that asshole even threatened her on the phone after I threw him out.. I mean what the hell. Okay I am getting mad again. I threw him out of the home and I was being a good person allowing him contact and he threatened her and I still did not see. It was not until the threat of him coming round on the boys birthday that she told the truth and since then my life has been full of thoughts, guilt and questions. I feel like I am coming out of it then I think of him in prison and I feel guilty again even my daughter has shared with me that she feels guilty for putting him there. Then you know what I say to her "He put himself there, don't own his guilt" I wish I could believe that myself.
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Compassion & Guilt
Yesterday, my daughter went really quiet, she seemed distracted. I kept asking her what was wrong but she was refusing to say. I was checking dinner and she come out to the kitchen to help me. I decided maybe it was time to ask again. She spun around to look at me and yelled "I feel bad because I put him in jail" I stopped abruptly looking at her intently. "You did not put him in jail" I replied. She was not ready to listen and stormed out of the kitchen.
I left it alone again, one thing I know about my daughter is too leave her for a while to calm down before tackling anything with her. She needed to be ready to listen so it will sink in what I had to say to her.
Later that evening as we were sitting on the sofa watching television I sensed she was calm enough to tackle it. I paused what we were watching and said "Babe, you did not put him in jail you know." she looked at me the pain apparent in her eyes "I did, I went to the police, I did the statement, I told" standing up I faced her and asked her "Who had control in this situation you or him?" she looked at me and said "Him." then I continued "Who continued to hurt you even when you asked him to stop" she says the same again, I nodded my head looking down on her hurt face "Who started this whole thing you or him" "him" she replied meekly "So then babe you tell me who is to blame" she said "him" in a quiet voice, she still was not convinced so I felt the need to add further "Babe, you were the child in this whole thing, you asked him to stop he could have at any time and he choose not too, not you. He made his choices in this you had no choice so this is not your fault" she nodded her head and I asked her "Why did you tell? what was your reason" I already knew the answer "I wanted to protect others from him, I did not want any other children suffering the way I did" I smiled to her sitting down beside her and taking her in my arms "It was the right choice, you took your power and control back and by doing so you have protected others from him" she nodded then just buried her head in my embrace.
Men who abuse in my humble opinion they do so for their own selfish reasons, and rarely just like rape its not about sex its about power and control. When we moved here the abuse my daughter suffered increased as she got older, we were more comfortable here and he was not. This resulted in him trying to control all aspects of her life, down to who she spoke to on the phone, where she was, who she was with. The way he used to blow up at her at the time had me concerned, most of the time I felt like a referee between them both. I now know why he exerted so much control over her. He did not want this secret to be known, as she grew and found her own voice he knew he would get found out sooner or later. So in retaliation he exerted more control over her and in turn over us all.
He used to brow beat my boys, not in front of me either, when I was out of the room or upstairs he would give them sly digs, call them names behind my back. Demoralized them to a point that they hated him and hated themselves. I have never called my children names, names just take away their spirit and I have always believed you call someone something enough they begin to believe in it. So behind my back he would do everything I hated and as the relationship between him and I got more and more strained it got worse for them . All this I have found out since I threw him out in December. When he was here , there were rows, and raised voices between him and the children but it always seemed to kick off when I was out of the room so at the time I never got to the bottom of it. When I would talk to them all and try to sort it out .. they never really told me the whole story.
Since his been gone at least a couple of times a week, we sit down as a family and talk about all of this and we even reminisce on the happy times. His name is not mud in our house and I allow each of my children to remember the good times we did have with him as well as the bad. He was a huge part of our lives for a long time and talking about it helps each of us in different ways. Not talking is more harmful to all of us and for each of us, to be able to move on from this and learn, we talk about our feelings, hate, love, loathing, missing, fear, anger, jealously, happiness, sadness. To name a few. I find us all talking brings us closer together and helps each of my children come to terms with everything,
One thing I can say through all this, it has not damaged my relationship with any of my children and even though at times I blame myself for bringing him into our lives, they do not blame me.
At first when my daughter disclosed, I did not want to believe.. I did not want to think that was going on under my nose for so long. Somewhere deep inside me, I did know but I just did not want to see, avoiding the pain of seeing was a lot easier than confronting it. Does that make me a coward? maybe? Its was a lot easier to accept what they were telling me at the time than to listen to my own instincts and discover what was really going on.
If anything I have learned from this, is too trust my instincts, for the longest time they were telling me something was not right, but because I trusted him, loved him. I wanted to believe him as it was the easier road to take. Now I know the harder road, no matter how painful it may be will be the wiser road to take.
I left it alone again, one thing I know about my daughter is too leave her for a while to calm down before tackling anything with her. She needed to be ready to listen so it will sink in what I had to say to her.
Later that evening as we were sitting on the sofa watching television I sensed she was calm enough to tackle it. I paused what we were watching and said "Babe, you did not put him in jail you know." she looked at me the pain apparent in her eyes "I did, I went to the police, I did the statement, I told" standing up I faced her and asked her "Who had control in this situation you or him?" she looked at me and said "Him." then I continued "Who continued to hurt you even when you asked him to stop" she says the same again, I nodded my head looking down on her hurt face "Who started this whole thing you or him" "him" she replied meekly "So then babe you tell me who is to blame" she said "him" in a quiet voice, she still was not convinced so I felt the need to add further "Babe, you were the child in this whole thing, you asked him to stop he could have at any time and he choose not too, not you. He made his choices in this you had no choice so this is not your fault" she nodded her head and I asked her "Why did you tell? what was your reason" I already knew the answer "I wanted to protect others from him, I did not want any other children suffering the way I did" I smiled to her sitting down beside her and taking her in my arms "It was the right choice, you took your power and control back and by doing so you have protected others from him" she nodded then just buried her head in my embrace.
Men who abuse in my humble opinion they do so for their own selfish reasons, and rarely just like rape its not about sex its about power and control. When we moved here the abuse my daughter suffered increased as she got older, we were more comfortable here and he was not. This resulted in him trying to control all aspects of her life, down to who she spoke to on the phone, where she was, who she was with. The way he used to blow up at her at the time had me concerned, most of the time I felt like a referee between them both. I now know why he exerted so much control over her. He did not want this secret to be known, as she grew and found her own voice he knew he would get found out sooner or later. So in retaliation he exerted more control over her and in turn over us all.
He used to brow beat my boys, not in front of me either, when I was out of the room or upstairs he would give them sly digs, call them names behind my back. Demoralized them to a point that they hated him and hated themselves. I have never called my children names, names just take away their spirit and I have always believed you call someone something enough they begin to believe in it. So behind my back he would do everything I hated and as the relationship between him and I got more and more strained it got worse for them . All this I have found out since I threw him out in December. When he was here , there were rows, and raised voices between him and the children but it always seemed to kick off when I was out of the room so at the time I never got to the bottom of it. When I would talk to them all and try to sort it out .. they never really told me the whole story.
Since his been gone at least a couple of times a week, we sit down as a family and talk about all of this and we even reminisce on the happy times. His name is not mud in our house and I allow each of my children to remember the good times we did have with him as well as the bad. He was a huge part of our lives for a long time and talking about it helps each of us in different ways. Not talking is more harmful to all of us and for each of us, to be able to move on from this and learn, we talk about our feelings, hate, love, loathing, missing, fear, anger, jealously, happiness, sadness. To name a few. I find us all talking brings us closer together and helps each of my children come to terms with everything,
One thing I can say through all this, it has not damaged my relationship with any of my children and even though at times I blame myself for bringing him into our lives, they do not blame me.
At first when my daughter disclosed, I did not want to believe.. I did not want to think that was going on under my nose for so long. Somewhere deep inside me, I did know but I just did not want to see, avoiding the pain of seeing was a lot easier than confronting it. Does that make me a coward? maybe? Its was a lot easier to accept what they were telling me at the time than to listen to my own instincts and discover what was really going on.
If anything I have learned from this, is too trust my instincts, for the longest time they were telling me something was not right, but because I trusted him, loved him. I wanted to believe him as it was the easier road to take. Now I know the harder road, no matter how painful it may be will be the wiser road to take.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Why?
((Originally Posted 4th October 2011))
Why do I feel guilty for another persons actions?
Well I keep talking to myself about this, why do I feel responsible for another persons actions.. Could I control him? No.. but and here is the rub.. I chose him. I brought him into our lives. Twenty/twenty vision when looking back is always good but its a rod I keep beating myself with.
Why do I feel guilty for another persons actions?
Well I keep talking to myself about this, why do I feel responsible for another persons actions.. Could I control him? No.. but and here is the rub.. I chose him. I brought him into our lives. Twenty/twenty vision when looking back is always good but its a rod I keep beating myself with.
I look back and there were times where my gut was trying to tell me and I would beat it down. Say to myself and out loud it was my own paranoia..He would even say it was my own paranoia..
I would ask, I questioned.. I used to think I was a great mum, I was happy how well I knew my children.. So how could this go on under my nose for so long. How could I be so blind.
So what do I feel guilty about?
To be honest I don't know there is so many things I do. Why didn't I get rid of him sooner? Why didn't I protect my children better, Why didn't I act on what my gut was telling me?, Why do I feel pity for him now?, Why the hell do I even care what happens to him? I can honestly say I do not love him anymore but why do I still care? I feel guilty for caring about him, really I should want him to rot in hell.. but I don't .. He is in my waking thoughts and now even invading my dreams.. I wake up scared.. Thinking he is here.. He is after my children again.. Each one of us he hurt in different ways but then on the surface would act the perfect step father. Each one of us he had control over in some way or another. Through fear and aggression. Even me. I used to think I was a strong person... I used to think I could read people really well.. So why did I fail so bad here?
I have been thinking on this a lot.. why did I fail to see.. If I really look at it truthfully.. I did see but I was too scared to confront it.. Too scared to find out for sure what the hell was going on. To scared for my family and children if this got out. Too scared to be viewed as a failure of a mother. The one thing that I chose to do, be a mum.. If people find out about this.. Well its probably more a case of when people find out about this.. Will they think I am a failure? That I did not protect my kids. I thought I was giving them a better life. Away from the big city, Moving to a man who loved me.. Loved my children, was there for us as a family. But really I was moving to nearly ten years of hell. Even though I did question both of them a few times, to have it denied.. Even asked her separately, like you are meant to do .. But the threats he had made to her, twisted her so bad.. She would say there was nothing going on. So what could I have done differently .. Would I undo the last ten years if I could.. I don't know.. There are a lot of things in the last ten years I don't regret.. But if I could go back and do things differently .. I think I would.
But I can't so now I have to deal with this and move on, for not just my kids sake. But for my own sake. I can't change what has happened, I only have control over the now.. So.. Time to get on with it.
How it is..
((originally posted 30/09/11))
People keep asking how I am feeling if I am okay. I want to scream at the top of my lungs I am not okay...You know how hard it is to carry this burden? You know how hard it is to get up everyday and pretend you are fine .. have to be brave and strong for the kids. Have to not show them how shitty you feel inside.
People keep asking how I am feeling if I am okay. I want to scream at the top of my lungs I am not okay...You know how hard it is to carry this burden? You know how hard it is to get up everyday and pretend you are fine .. have to be brave and strong for the kids. Have to not show them how shitty you feel inside.
This year has been an awful one and to be honest I cannot wait until it is over. To start with my marriage is over. In hindsight that's not a bad thing considering its been over since at least 2007, I really made a huge mistake here.. did I learn from it.. Hell yes.. will I repeat the same mistake .. HELL NO! But since the marriage collapsed before Christmas 2010, the things I have found out... How stupid must I be to not see something that was going on beneath my nose.. I am not going into detail here.. But my god.. why did I not see.. Why did I not cut the dead wood away sooner and save us all from pain..
I get told .. Don't blame yourself it was not your fault.. How can I not.. I am their Mother.. I am meant to protect and nurture my children not expose them to a monster. Yes he was dressed in sheep's clothing but still a monster.. the messed up thing is .. even now with ALL I know.. I still worry if he is okay.. I am still concerned to what happens to him ... Don't mean I would ever take him back .. HELL NO.. you can quote me on that.
I can't talk much yet on this.. lots of things still pending but the last couple of weeks I have been feeling out of control with my life. All the stress and worry since this year began is weighing down on me heavy.. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I do of course.. I go through the motions.. I talk to my kids..In RL that's all I do talk too.. Everyone else including family I have pulled away from. I have a lot of online friends... But I don't confide in them.. mostly they confide in me.. Find me an easy place to lean.. I have one I lean on... Lately .. I have even shut that person out.. Guilt..guilt for failing my children.. If you talk to them they will tell you I have not failed.. My daughter has said for a long time I am her hero.. I don't know why she says that.. I don't see it myself.. Maybe one day I will.. Once the world slows down..
So.. well.. I have decided to start writing this blog, to try and air the feelings I have locked inside. To try and give them a public voice. Writing this little bit has made me feel lighter.. This is just the start and I hope to start adding each day..
Right now though.. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE.. I am making this pledge today.. to turn this around, to stop letting that monster dominate my thoughts.. to stop letting this guilt I should not be feeling overwhelm me.. To be a better Mother.. To be me.. I miss me..
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