Why?

((Originally Posted 4th October 2011))

Why do I feel guilty for another persons actions?

Well I keep talking to myself about this, why do I feel responsible for another persons actions.. Could I control him? No.. but and here is the rub.. I chose him. I brought him into our lives. Twenty/twenty vision when looking back is always good but its a rod I keep beating myself with.

I look back and there were times where my gut was trying to tell me and I would beat it down. Say to myself and out loud it was my own paranoia..He would even say it was my own paranoia..

I would ask, I questioned.. I used to think I was a great mum, I was happy how well I knew my children.. So how could this go on under my nose for so long. How could I be so blind.

So what do I feel guilty about?

To be honest I don't know there is so many things I do. Why didn't I get rid of him sooner? Why didn't I protect my children better, Why didn't I act on what my gut was telling me?, Why do I feel pity for him now?, Why the hell do I even care what happens to him? I can honestly say I do not love him anymore but why do I still care? I feel guilty for caring about him, really I should want him to rot in hell.. but I don't .. He is in my waking thoughts and now even invading my dreams.. I wake up scared.. Thinking he is here.. He is after my children again.. Each one of us he hurt in different ways but then on the surface would act the perfect step father. Each one of us he had control over in some way or another. Through fear and aggression. Even me. I used to think I was a strong person... I used to think I could read people really well.. So why did I fail so bad here?

I have been thinking on this a lot.. why did I fail to see.. If I really look at it truthfully.. I did see but I was too scared to confront it.. Too scared to find out for sure what the hell was going on. To scared for my family and children if this got out. Too scared to be viewed as a failure of a mother. The one thing that I chose to do, be a mum.. If people find out about this.. Well its probably more a case of when people find out about this.. Will they think I am a failure? That I did not protect my kids. I thought I was giving them a better life. Away from the big city, Moving to a man who loved me.. Loved my children, was there for us as a family. But really I was moving to nearly ten years of hell. Even though I did question both of them a few times, to have it denied.. Even asked her separately, like you are meant to do .. But the threats he had made to her, twisted her so bad.. She would say there was nothing going on. So what could I have done differently .. Would I undo the last ten years if I could.. I don't know.. There are a lot of things in the last ten years I don't regret.. But if I could go back and do things differently .. I think I would.

But I can't so now I have to deal with this and move on, for not just my kids sake. But for my own sake. I can't change what has happened, I only have control over the now.. So.. Time to get on with it.