A Corner Turned

((Originally Posted 6th October 2011))

Today I got the call I have been waiting for since this started. He has been arrested. I started to shake uncontrollably at first. The time had come to face this head on. Once this ball starts to roll there is no stopping it. Once we spoke with the Officers we found out he admitted it all. Apparently the way he reacted, it had been playing on his consciousness a lot.

I cut contact a few months ago. Once I found out the true extent of the crimes. How can I talk to someone who hurt my daughter? it was impossible, even though I still do care for him even now. My daughter comes first in all of this. Well since then he has known this was coming, I guess he was just waiting for the day to air his own demons and get the help he so desperately needs.

His actions the last day or so, I find myself unable to call him a monster. I guess I did that so I could deal with what he had done. Really he is not, just an extremely floored person who needs help.

When I used to hear about abuse I was the first one to say, castrate them, hang them high.. the list goes on. Now I know a person who committed these crime.. My thinking has changed..Is this wrong? That I am seeing the other side of the spectrum. All he is now is a broken man. He lost everything. His home, his family.. and now his freedom. I could say I want him to rot in jail but that would not be true. I wish him happiness, I don't think he was ever truly happy. Its like he was two people, the great dad and family man, then there is this monster within. The one that committed heinous crimes on the people that loved him the most in this world. On the ones that trusted him to protect them.

This is what made this whole thing the hardest, seeing these two beings exist in the one person you loved, the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with. I could hate him so easily.. But where would that get me? Hate is such a horrible destructive emotion. I don't hate him, I pity him more.

The children miss him, they miss the good him, the daddy him and I have to say I do too. He will never live with us again but maybe once this is all said and done, they may wish to contact him and I will not stand in their way. We are the only family he has and no matter what he did, he is still their Dad.

To move on from this you have to forgive, no matter how heinous the crime you have to find some room in your heart for forgiveness, put the blame where it is deserved and do not carry their crimes with you. If you do.. it will twist you up inside and you may not like what you turn into.

My daughter told me today she does not believe in God.. That had me a little upset when she said it, when I asked her why I could see her reasons "Where was God when I was being hurt? They said he walks by you then carries you when you are weak like Footprints in the sand.. he did not carry me" she paused and thought for a moment then continued "You know what I am going to say when someone asks what I believe in" I nodded and looked at her "Karma, thats it mummy, I believe in Karma" i sat and thought for a while and I can see her logic, since this all started the karma has kicked in with him big time. I mean look where his actions have left him... So there might be some truth in what she is saying.

I am sure one day she will regain her belief in God, I hope so, but its good to see she still has faith in something.

To my beloved Daughter,

You amaze me, your compassion and strength astounds me, your willingness to see the good in all people leaves me in awe. Through all your trials in life, you do not pity yourself, you get up and make a point of making others smile. You are wonderful.

I love you

Love

Mummy xox