Chasing my tail - Christmas is coming

Guilt setting in.. Again.. This is a constant cycle of good and bad. He has been playing on my mind a lot lately.. I don't know why ..Why the hell should I feel guilty just because Christmas is coming or what? I mean hell he put himself there my conscious brain tells me that a lot but then what was my part in this..

1. I fell in love with him
2. I moved over there with my children to be with him.
3. I chose him
4. Sub-consciously I see the signs.
5. I was not forceful enough when asking both of them.
6. I did not protect my daughter.
7. I blame myself for not stopping it sooner.
8. I stuck my head in the sand and was happy to do it.

Why did I do that?? this is a question that is going to haunt me. I know this is not my fault I did not hurt my daughter. I love her more than anything. But I allowed him in. This is like a cycle of guilt.. Why do I keep blaming myself.

We are coming up on a year anniversary of kicking him out. I think this is why its playing on my mind so much where was a culpable in this. What blame should I own if any.

I have to shake this and move forward, I am worried about Christmas, I know I don't have much money and my kids don't ask for much. I am just hoping I can pull it out of the bag. They are teenagers they want expensive things like new phones.. *sighs* wish me luck on that.  I don't know what I am going to do. Its not just Christmas due to bad planning on my part its their birthday's either side of the holidays.

Even getting the decorations are hard for me for its a reminder of last year when everything went so wrong, so badly wrong and then just before the boys birthday my daughter blurted the truth.

You know that asshole even threatened her on the phone after I threw him out.. I mean what the hell. Okay I am getting mad again. I threw him out of the home and I was being a good person allowing him contact and he threatened her and I still did not see. It was not until the threat of him coming round on the boys birthday that she told the truth and since then my life has been full of thoughts, guilt and questions. I feel like I am coming out of it then I think of him in prison and I feel guilty again even my daughter has shared with me that she feels guilty for putting him there. Then you know what I say to her "He put himself there, don't own his guilt" I wish I could believe that myself.

Breathe (2am)

This song has rung very true with me the last few days. When you reach a point in life when you realize that there is no rewind button and if you keep trying to turn back time you will just keep repeating the same mistakes. There is no rewind button on life, no do-overs. This is it. With everything that I have been through I have come to realize that I cannot change what has happened. I only have control over the here and now. The sooner you realize that you can get on with life. Its a healthy way too look at things. The main thing in this life is too learn from the mistakes of the past so you are not doomed to repeat them.


The Serenity prayer is also something to live by:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference.

You do not have to pray to God you pray to what you believe in. It all ties in together with the path of healing. You cannot keep blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You have to put the blame where it is deserved and move on with your life. If you keep beating yourself up, the person who caused the pain and damage will still have control over you. Think about it. If you were raped and you cannot go outside through fear of it happening again, the rapist is still damaging your life and the real kicker is you are allowing them too. Things happen to us do not have to define our lives. It is up to us to breathe and just move forward for the time you waste on trying to change the past you will never get back.




Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Child Abuse - My Views - Raising your Children 1

There are many forms of abuse and when we are talking about child abuse, most automatically jump to the obvious one - Sexual Abuse - This is not the only form. You have - Physical Abuse - Emotional Abuse - Neglect.

How you raise your children is a reflection on you and your controls. Being raised in a bad home yourself is no excuse in my opinion, to inflict the same upbringing on your own children. You have to recognize that the way you were raised maybe not be the right way. There are cycles of abuse you can break. You have to stand up and break them. Your children did not ask to be born and its up to you to give them the best of yourself you can and not scar them with your actions.

I am going to talk about in this blog about the various forms of abuse. If this just get read by one parent and they can see where they are going wrong and it helps them change their ways and in turn gives their children a better life then this is not in vain. I can say I helped, I contributed.

I will cover one form of abuse and it may go over a few posts. I am not sure because I am just writing this off the cuff and getting down in some sort of print the stuff that goes on in my mind.

Being a parent is one of the most hardest and underrated jobs in the world. We are raising the future here. Not just a kid. Children are our legacy, and they are the mark we leave on this world when we are gone. It is up to us as parents to give them the best we possibly can. There is no such thing as a perfect parent we all make mistakes and have failures. Being a good parent is recognizing that first off and then correcting the mistakes to make their lives easier.

In recent years children have changed drastically and they face so much more than we could ever imagine. They are bombarded everyday with negatives. With the changes in our society, children are being raised more by the media and their peers then having parental guidance than ever and that is the sad state we live in today. It is up to us to stop this cycle. I understand when both parents have to work but you also have a duty to be their for your children. If there is anyway you could give up working and go home and raise your children I would implore you to do so. You don't need all the material stuff and credit cards. They won't help you when you turn to look at your son at 16 and you don't even recognize him. Gone are the precious years, gone is the little boy that hung on your every word. He has been replaced by a brooding teenager who at the cross roads in his life is missing one vital thing. The guidance he needs to make the right choices. To not drink alcohol, to not do drugs .. To not be having sex. This is their most vital time, if you did your job up to now you will have well rounded kids who want more out of life. Who want to succeed and not fall into the trappings of today's teenagers.


I have three teenage children who every night are at home with me. I know what I am talking about. When I fell pregnant with my first child I made a choice to stay at home and raise them. Yes, we did not have much money and even now we still struggle but we are a close nit family who love and respect one another. I did make mistakes and my biggest one was not seeing the abuse that was going on from my now ex partner but you got to understand, I was being abused too. I would put myself between him and them all the time to prevent it. But this post is not about that. This is about all the children. All the ones in the world I see everyday lost. It breaks my heart to see so many children nowadays who do not even know basic manners. Never display the most basic compassion. They have grown up so fast and most look to the media for information rather than ask their mom.. Something is very wrong and very broken in society for this to happen. We can all point to the broken home syndrome, the violence in video games or the violence on TV. Those are just EXCUSES. Most of the time its because the parents were not there at crucial times in their childrens lifes to guide them to make better choices.

Thats a parents job, to make your child feel like they matter. To listen to your child when they are talking. To praise your child when they do something good and to discipline your child when they do something bad. To answer their questions and be their soft place to fall when things don't go so well. To wrap your arms around them everyday no matter how big they get and tell them you love them. To respect them and give them the credit they deserve. My boys are huge now and we don't care where we are they will still hug me and tell me they love me. My daughter still cuddles up to me on the couch and we chat.. Even after all this. So I must be doing something right, so I am hoping by writing this I can help another parent do right by their children.

I will try and give advice.. so if you have any questions feel free to ask.. There are various ways you can contact me. The better ways are at the side of this blog. I will cover from 0 till whenever for once you have a child even when they are forty they will still need a hug from their mom. Its a job for life and one of the most rewarding jobs in the world.

Sinus Infection & Good News

This sickness just don't seem to want to let go of me.  Between this and the near fatal death of my laptop its been a stressful few days. 

I was over optimistic about my laptop and on the 2nd November my laptop keyboard gave up altogether and refused to type a thing. I guess drowning it in hot chocolate was not a good idea after all. I ended up finding out the part number of the keyboard and ordering a new one which I fitted myself and now using.. needs wearing in a bit, you know how a new keyboard feels.. Its not right until you have been typing on it for a while. I am just glad that is all that I broke the day of the halloween horror... Needless to say no viscous fluids are going near my laptop again. 

The sickness is another thing entirely. This is my first ever sinus infection and I know from this experience I never want another one. This has me so drained that all I want to do is sleep. I get shakey when walking, constantly out of breath and the headaches... Its just too much at times. It just zaps all your energy and its not just me in the house sick. My daughter is still not better either so we are both booked in for a doctors appointment tomorrow. I just hope she does not want to send us to the hospital.. Our doctor has the tendency to over react.. and yeah you may think its a good idea but where I live the hospital is a 80 mile round trip and trying to drive that far with a constant head ache... its just not in our best interests at all. But I will stay my judgement and see what tomorrow brings. 

He has been playing on my mind a lot lately. I guess you could say its guilt for sometimes I feel I put him there.. Even though it was not my actions that did this too him. It was his own but it don't stop the guilt feelings creeping up on you when you least expect it. I have to have an internal conversation to remind myself that this was not my fault and its not my guilt to own its his.. He did all this. That old adage "You've made your bed, you have to lie in it" seems to apply here a lot. But I do worry still.. What is happening to his place.. He had just started to set up a new life for himself and we took that all away by going to the police and getting him arrested but then if we hadn't and he went on to abuse someone else.. then how would we feel knowing we could have prevented it.. That sort of guilt I don't think I would be able to carry and no doubt once he serves his time etc he will get help setting up his life again. I would like to send him a letter or something just to let him know we do still care for him. I don't know if it is allowed or not. I know one of my boys would like to do that. Obviously my daughter is not ready for that for a long time but even she has admitted in her own way that she still cares.. So I am not sure what to do. I guess I will just continue to live each day as it comes and go from there. 

Its nice to have my keyboard back and to be able to type properly again.. gibberish and a crappy USB mini keyboard was just not cutting it. 

Until next time 

Sera 

Good Days.

Good day today. Had my last session for a while with my counsellor, I at first was so against counselling but even now I am surprised with how much it has helped me work through this. I have always felt I am a very strong person and through most of the trials in my life I have a worked out on my own but this challenge was a lot different, it was not me that was hurt, even though I married this man and trusted him, it was my daughter that was hurt.  I could not deal with that guilt and pain alone and my counsellor was the outside voice I needed. I think to really admit you need help is one of the strongest decisions you can ever make. Without that how are you meant to move forward.

There are lots of ways I can help others this being just one of them.  I need to start reaching out too my strengths and help others. Not keep hiding behind the computer and venture out into the world a lot more. I have to say all in all I am happy in my life. Happy keeping my family at arm’s length the way I do, it’s not because I don’t love them, I do, but I have done the family drama and I don’t want to go back to that. 

Okay it’s time to go over the sickness we have been having the last few weeks in own house. First my daughter come down sick and that passed to me.  Then it passed to one of my twins. It started with me as a simple cold, then went to flu then to a sinus infection which I still have. The headaches with a sinus infection can be crippling to a point that I find it hard to look at a screen close up for long periods of time.  I have just wanted to sleep and the thought of writing was alien to me. Now as you see I am attempting to get back into it and I hope all this sickness all disappears soon.

The Halloween horror is still making its presence felt. Some of my keys are still screwed up and it’s driving me nuts, I may have to bite the bullet and see how much it will cost to get the laptop taken apart and cleaned. It is something I could do but I do not want to risk breaking it altogether. All depends on the cost which I am going to have to research. I have found a website with detailed instruction on how to disassemble my laptop so we will see. I will keep you updated. 

Near Death Experience of a Laptop ((Halloween Horror))

Thank God my laptop still works after I nearly killed it with a cup of hot chocolate. I have never been so lucky in all my life.  I thought that was it when the brown liquid hit the computer square on the keyboard. I snatched that baby up and inverted it straight away. Then hit the off switch to stop it from shorting out and pulled the power lead. After screaming at the kids “Quick move get me something” my hands were shaking covered in hot chocolate holding my laptop as the liquid dripped over the carpet.  One of the lads passed me a tea towel and I frantically wiped down the keyboard keeping it inverted as I did. All that was going through my mind was that was it I just killed a 6 month old laptop that I really love and I will not have the money to replace it.

After ensuring the outside was dry I laid it down on a chair still upside down almost tent fashion with the laptop still opened and tried to turn it on... nothing.. Not a thing happened... I was like oh shit... That’s it. It’s not going to work ever again.  Hands still shaking I said to the guys to go and do their kitchen chores as I was ready to snap and I did not want to take it out on them. I asked one of them to fetch me the hairdryer and I set to work.

Closing the lid I sat it upside down and removed the battery, seeing it wet my heart sank, crap... it got through the computer, that’s it the motherboard is fried. I did not turn it off quick enough... grrr... I did not give up though and I refused to lose my cool. I took off the cover for the hard drive and there was no wet in there but it gave me access to the motherboard vents to get more effective with the hairdryer. I continued on drying it. Turning it over and opening the front up me dried through the keys hoping and actually saying a little prayer that my little laptop will still find life.

After 10 minutes of frantic drying, I angled it so I could see if it would turn on... A little blue flash caught my eye, then another, then the orange one lit up and before I knew it I was on the sign on screen, I let out a sigh of relief, my daughter looked at me. “See Mum I told you, you caught it quick enough, those cat like reflexes did the job” I was not convinced, I shut it down and reassembled the back, finally putting in the power lead to see if I did not ruin that also. Restarting the computer and getting to the sign on screen was the first obstacle now the next one trying to sign in.

Sighing, my fingers resting on the slightly sticky feeling keys I typed in my password. The message come up, wrong password. So I typed it again and as I am typing I notice, when I hit the keys two letter were coming up instead of one. Working out that it was typing an extra letter I hit the back arrow and deleted the right one for when I pressed enter it starting to log in. My heart lifted “It’s Alive!” I thought to myself. The first thing I did was going to my user accounts and took the password off. I thought to myself if it screws up more least I know I will be able to get the thing logged in.

Then I opened a word document and began to type, oh my lord it was bad. Most keys were typing the letter and a number, when I hit shift nothing would happen. I started to panic. I love to write and have a very set way of typing, I could not even use a question mark. What the hell was I going to do? Sitting there the kids looking at me expectantly I could not lose it... Not now. I have come this far keeping my cool so you would be damned if I was going to lose it now.  So I did the best thing, I shut it down and then just sat it inverted on the table to let it dry out for a while.

After about ten minutes I opened it up and checked the screen to see if there were any sticky hot chocolate spots. No was still lucky on that front... nothing leaking...

So I closed it again and left it. A few hours later I took my laptop upstairs and started that baby up once more. It was smooth but when I began to type... wow... the keys felt weird and there were capital’s where there should not be capitals and the space bar felt all gooey. There were full stops appearing all over the place. So I proceeded to pick off the keys and clean them, and boy was there some gooeyness. Then I looked up on the internet what could stop both of my shift keys to work other than gooey hot chocolate, well I discovered that Skype has A tendency to take over your keys. SO I turned it off and low And behold I had shift function.

It’s still touch and go, not my usual laptop yet but it’s getting there. Going to shut this baby down now And give it a break but I thought I would share the Halloween fright I had this year.

Sorry I have not been blogging these last few weeks. I have had a bout of sickness but I feel that is another story for my next post. Fingers crossed 

Good days & Bad Days

When you are going through a process like this there are always good days and bad days. I will liken it too the five stages of grief the process you go through until you reach a stage where you can accept something like this. Sexual abuse is a lot more common place that people like to think and until it happens to you, you will never know how you will deal with it. As a mother I know I had very strong opinions on this before it happened to me

The five stages of grief are as follows and I will put in there what I went through at each stage to show the comparison.

1. Denial - This is a common stage when you child tells you something that you would never want to hear from them. If ever your child comes to you and tell you that they have been abused, even though in yourself you don't want to believe it, never let on to them. This is the most important. No matter what you feel inside, support them. They are sharing something with you, that has probably took all their courage to tell you and as their parent even though at first you don't want to believe it.. You have to support them. They are the victims here and they need their parent more than anything.
2. Anger - Anger at the betrayal not just by the perpetrator but by your child also. This could have been going on under your nose for years and you are angry with yourself for refusing to see, you are angry with the person who did these unspeakable things and you are also angry with your child for keeping it from you. When in this stage its important to not blame your child, they were powerless in all this. Even though you feel it inside never take it out on them. That would do more harm than good. When going through this process its important to seek counselling. So you have a safe place you can vent your feelings. I personally don't know where I would be without my counsellor, she has been a strength for me through all this and my safe vent place.
3. Bargaining - Now you may think to yourself where does bargaining come into all of this. Well I can only speak from personal experience here too what I bargained for. My daughter had disclosed it had been going on for many years and I refused to see that. You could say that is denial but it was not for in my mind I was bargaining with myself that it had not been going on that long, I would have seen surely. I would have known. My bargain was that it only happened a couple of times. Not as much as she said. Now I know this to be wrong but then that leads into the following stages.
4. Depression - As you can see from my earlier posts depression had took a hold of me good. I was sinking into a deep pit of it for a while and I even hid that from my counsellor, not the best idea. But this is an important stage leading too acceptance. When this first all come out and going through the stages I refused to even hear the details of the abuse. I could not cope with it all.I had not only been betrayed by my child but also the man I married and trusted. This is why counselling is not only important for you but also your child. All the gory details you are not ready to hear can still be addressed with a counsellor. I supported my child from the beginning but I could not hear the details not at first. Not while going through the stages.
5. Acceptance - It took me a long time to reach this stage in myself. To accept the abuse and know all the details of what my daughter had endured. Knowing everything I do now. I do not hate. Like I said in an earlier post. I pity him for obviously he was a lot more damaged than I ever realized when I was with him and I will not own his crimes, for they are his crimes to own and not mine. I consider myself a good mother. All I did wrong was trust the wrong man. This can happen to anyone. Once you have accepted all the facts then you can begin to heal not only yourself but your children also. Even though my boys were not sexually abused by him they were abused in other ways.

Now I know these are stages of grief but you can see how I outlined above how they apply to this traumatic situation. The two most important things that you must do when going through something like this is firstly support your child, even though they are telling you something you don't want to hear, this is the time in their lives they need you more than ever. So support them, and secondly do not blame yourself. You will go through phases of blaming yourself but by the time you reach the acceptance stage you should be past that and if you are not seek help. You sitting there wallowing in a pit of self pity will not help anyone and at this time your child needs you more than ever.

Compassion & Guilt

Yesterday, my daughter went really quiet, she seemed distracted. I kept asking her what was wrong but she was refusing to say. I was checking dinner and she come out to the kitchen to help me. I decided maybe it was time to ask again. She spun around to look at me and yelled "I feel bad because I put him in jail" I stopped abruptly looking at her intently. "You did not put him in jail" I replied. She was not ready to listen and stormed out of the kitchen.

I left it alone again, one thing I know about my daughter is too leave her for a while to calm down before tackling anything with her. She needed to be ready to listen so it will sink in what I had to say to her.

Later that evening as we were sitting on the sofa watching television I sensed she was calm enough to tackle it. I paused what we were watching and said "Babe, you did not put him in jail you know." she looked at me the pain apparent in her eyes "I did, I went to the police, I did the statement, I told" standing up I faced her and asked her "Who had control in this situation you or him?" she looked at me and said "Him." then I continued "Who continued to hurt you even when you asked him to stop" she says the same again, I nodded my head looking down on her hurt face "Who started this whole thing you or him" "him" she replied meekly "So then babe you tell me who is to blame" she said "him" in a quiet voice, she still was not convinced so I felt the need to add further "Babe, you were the child in this whole thing, you asked him to stop he could have at any time and he choose not too, not you.  He made his choices in this you had no choice so this is not your fault" she nodded her head and I asked her "Why did you tell? what was your reason" I already knew the answer "I wanted to protect others from him, I did not want any other children suffering the way I did" I smiled to her sitting down beside her and taking her in my arms "It was the right choice, you took your power and control back and by doing so you have protected others from him" she nodded then just buried her head in my embrace.

Men who abuse in my humble opinion they do so for their own selfish reasons, and rarely just like rape its not about sex its about power and control. When we moved here the abuse my daughter suffered increased as she got older, we were more comfortable here and he was not.  This resulted in him trying to control all aspects of her life, down to who she spoke to on the phone, where she was, who she was with. The way he used to blow up at her at the time had me concerned, most of the time I felt like a referee between them both. I now know why he exerted so much control over her. He did not want this secret to be known, as she grew and found her own voice he knew he would get found out sooner or later. So in retaliation he exerted more control over her and in turn over us all.

He used to brow beat my boys, not in front of me either, when I was out of the room or upstairs he would give them sly digs, call them names behind my back. Demoralized them to a point that they hated him and hated themselves. I have never called my children names, names just take away their spirit and I have always believed you call someone something enough they begin to believe in it.  So behind my back he would do everything I hated and as the relationship between him and I got more and more strained it got worse for them . All this I have found out since I threw him out in December. When he was here , there were rows, and raised voices between him and the children but it always seemed to kick off when I was out of the room so at the time I never got to the bottom of it.  When I would talk to them all and try to sort it out .. they never really told me the whole story.

Since his been gone at least a couple of times a week, we sit down as a family and talk about all of this and we even reminisce on the happy times. His name is not mud in our house and I allow each of my children to remember the good times we did have with him as well as the bad. He was a huge part of our lives for a long time and talking about it helps each of us in different ways.  Not talking is more harmful to all of us and for each of us, to be able to move on from this and learn, we talk about our feelings, hate, love, loathing, missing, fear, anger, jealously, happiness, sadness. To name a few. I find us all talking brings us closer together and helps each of my children come to terms with everything,

One thing I can say through all this, it has not damaged my relationship with any of my children and even though at times I blame myself for bringing him into our lives, they do not blame me.

At first when my daughter disclosed, I did not want to believe.. I did not want to think that was going on under my nose for so long. Somewhere deep inside me, I did know but I just did not want to see, avoiding the pain of seeing was a lot easier than confronting it.  Does that make me a coward? maybe? Its was a lot easier to accept what they were telling me at the time than to listen to my own instincts and discover what was really going on.

If anything I have learned from this, is too trust my instincts, for the longest time they were telling me something was not right, but because I trusted him, loved him. I wanted to believe him as it was the easier road to take. Now I know the harder road, no matter how painful it may be will be the wiser road to take.

Beginning to Move Forward.

When I did my first post on this blog back on the last day of September, which in reality was only just over a week ago but feels like a different lifetime. I was in the middle of a deep depression, the stress of the last few months robbing me of my strength. I had gotten to the point where I was going to seek medical intervention. As in going to the doctors and getting something to help pull me out of my low. I am so glad now I didn't.

The last day or so since the arrest I feel so much lighter.. Not only the arrest has happened this week but my car sailed through its road test, which was a huge relief, also today, my dryer, which if you also live in Ireland you will know is a necessity if you want nice smelling dried clothes and not musty smelling clothes hanging around in the house for days trying to get them dry, but anyways I digress, my dryer is fixed and it did not cost a penny. It has not been working properly for months. Every time you hit the on switch the house fuse blew. That says to me short circuit. I had been calling an electrician I know locally to come and have a look at it but after two missed appointments I gave up. My nieghbour being the sweet guy he is said he would take a look and see if he could figure out what was wrong with it. After fiddling about with it for twenty minutes he took off the cover to the heating element, and you know what he found.. a bloody bra wire.. it was crossing between the element and another connection causing a short circuit... I have told the kids hundreds of times "Don't put the bra's in the dryer.. not only does it ruin the damn bras but can ruin the dryer.. " I love them but they can be lazy feckers at times.

Anyways, after putting it back together it now works perfectly ... I am going on a washing rampage this weekend.. Getting a lot of the musty smelling but dry clothing rewashed. Simple things like that thrill my world. Having clean nice smelling clothing .. Is a wonderful prospect. Now I hear you say 'Why don't you hang it outside' well I have tried that on many occasions.. but then I find myself running outside ten minutes later to pull it off the line as yet again it begins to rain.. Now in the summer months its not so bad as long as you get a few hours of sunshine, you can get it dried.. but once autumn hits here, it hits quick.. and before you know it, it rains for days on end and you are upto your ears in damp clothing with no place to dry it other than hanging it on clothes airers for days.. then it gets that awful dank smell that you can still smell even when dried.. so then you end up rewashing it again.. it's an endless cycle.. so yeah to  many of you a working dryer may not seem that important.. but yeah that rocked my world today.

My ex keeps creeping into my thoughts.. I am concerned for him and his welfare, see before he was arrested I was advised not to contact.. I did not want to contact anyway.. Not then..The guarda told me once he was arrested and interviewed we could contact.. but the other day when we spoke to them that changed again. I would like to send him a letter and I know a couple of the kids want too also.. So I am not sure, I know he committed horrible crimes.. All of us know that. But you can't just turn off love .. and no I am not in love with him and YES I do want a divorce but it don't mean I want to shut him out completely either. He was their Father. I am still in two minds..

There is another I've met, he has a special place in my heart. We haven't met in real life yet but we have known each other online since March 2009. At first yes, it was just a friendship.. and remained that way for a while. Then it began to blossom into something more. My Ex knew him and knew what was happening and at this time he had various online relationships that I allowed him to have, the ironic thing is my Ex actually introduced me to him.

When we first decided to take the online friendship a step further we made some rules up with my Ex's full knowledge... There will be nothing real life shared, no pictures, no phone numbers nothing. The whole thing will stay online and be online only existing only in the virtual environment where we met. He was also in a relationship, so we just played about and flirted .. I suppose in a way we were both seeking something that was lacking in our respective relationships.

My Marriage really broke down when we moved here, saying that I think it had broken down years before but I just did not see it.. My Ex and I were always close friends but the other side of the marriage was lacking for a long time and looking back I think that was guilt on his part.. and me sub consciously distancing myself from him.. I don't know.. I used to think I was madly in love with him and for a long time I think I was.. but moving here was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, if I had know what was going on with the abuse it would have obviously ended a lot sooner.

Anyways, this new online companion I had found, he was easy to talk to and we both found ourselves confiding in each other more and more. Wanting to spend all our hours online together. Just enjoying each others company. We would just sit somewhere in world and not even talk at times but finding comfort in each others company. Then one day he just said to me "I think I am in love with you" I was taken aback and did not know what to say.. I ended up making my excuses and logging off.. That night I could barely sleep .. his words echoed around my mind. I analysed how I felt .. how would I feel if he was out of my life tomorrow.. that was when I realized I felt the same for him .. that our relationship had crossed the boundaries we had put in place and was moving into real life feelings .. real life connections. I logged on the following day and just said to him in voice. I think I am in love with you too..

Since there we have been there for each other everyday. When he ended his real life relationship it was a hard time for him, the girl in question went a little psycho on him, actually calling his family etc.. it was a crazy time. I was there for him through all that. Obviously with me being married, ending that would not be as easy and it was not till after I kicked him out last December after he attacked my children, that my daughter felt safe enough to finally disclose to me what had been going on, then she only did that because my ex was coming back for a visit..that broke my heart.. There is a lot more than just the abuse of my daughter.. he emotionally abused all of us in one way or another.

Through all this my online partner has been there, emotionally supporting me. Everyday as this unfolded, he has listened and been strong for me when I was weak. Listened to every horrifying detail with quiet resolve and to be honest I don't know what I would have done without him. He has helped me every step of the way and still does now. It will come time soon for us too meet in real life. For him to visit me. I am not rushing it for a reason.. Not only do we have a court case hanging over us but I also need for my children to feel secure in their home before I introduce anyone else to the mix. He will come for a visit at first and meet everyone then we will take it from there.

To you my dearest love, Thank you, for everything, I know when we first took those tentative steps beyond friendship you did not realize what you were signing up for. To be honest neither did I really, but anyways thank you my love from the bottom of my heart. I love you and I am so in love with you xox If you read this feel free to leave a comment :)

A Corner Turned

((Originally Posted 6th October 2011))

Today I got the call I have been waiting for since this started. He has been arrested. I started to shake uncontrollably at first. The time had come to face this head on. Once this ball starts to roll there is no stopping it. Once we spoke with the Officers we found out he admitted it all. Apparently the way he reacted, it had been playing on his consciousness a lot.

I cut contact a few months ago. Once I found out the true extent of the crimes. How can I talk to someone who hurt my daughter? it was impossible, even though I still do care for him even now. My daughter comes first in all of this. Well since then he has known this was coming, I guess he was just waiting for the day to air his own demons and get the help he so desperately needs.

His actions the last day or so, I find myself unable to call him a monster. I guess I did that so I could deal with what he had done. Really he is not, just an extremely floored person who needs help.

When I used to hear about abuse I was the first one to say, castrate them, hang them high.. the list goes on. Now I know a person who committed these crime.. My thinking has changed..Is this wrong? That I am seeing the other side of the spectrum. All he is now is a broken man. He lost everything. His home, his family.. and now his freedom. I could say I want him to rot in jail but that would not be true. I wish him happiness, I don't think he was ever truly happy. Its like he was two people, the great dad and family man, then there is this monster within. The one that committed heinous crimes on the people that loved him the most in this world. On the ones that trusted him to protect them.

This is what made this whole thing the hardest, seeing these two beings exist in the one person you loved, the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with. I could hate him so easily.. But where would that get me? Hate is such a horrible destructive emotion. I don't hate him, I pity him more.

The children miss him, they miss the good him, the daddy him and I have to say I do too. He will never live with us again but maybe once this is all said and done, they may wish to contact him and I will not stand in their way. We are the only family he has and no matter what he did, he is still their Dad.

To move on from this you have to forgive, no matter how heinous the crime you have to find some room in your heart for forgiveness, put the blame where it is deserved and do not carry their crimes with you. If you do.. it will twist you up inside and you may not like what you turn into.

My daughter told me today she does not believe in God.. That had me a little upset when she said it, when I asked her why I could see her reasons "Where was God when I was being hurt? They said he walks by you then carries you when you are weak like Footprints in the sand.. he did not carry me" she paused and thought for a moment then continued "You know what I am going to say when someone asks what I believe in" I nodded and looked at her "Karma, thats it mummy, I believe in Karma" i sat and thought for a while and I can see her logic, since this all started the karma has kicked in with him big time. I mean look where his actions have left him... So there might be some truth in what she is saying.

I am sure one day she will regain her belief in God, I hope so, but its good to see she still has faith in something.

To my beloved Daughter,

You amaze me, your compassion and strength astounds me, your willingness to see the good in all people leaves me in awe. Through all your trials in life, you do not pity yourself, you get up and make a point of making others smile. You are wonderful.

I love you

Love

Mummy xox

Why?

((Originally Posted 4th October 2011))

Why do I feel guilty for another persons actions?

Well I keep talking to myself about this, why do I feel responsible for another persons actions.. Could I control him? No.. but and here is the rub.. I chose him. I brought him into our lives. Twenty/twenty vision when looking back is always good but its a rod I keep beating myself with.

I look back and there were times where my gut was trying to tell me and I would beat it down. Say to myself and out loud it was my own paranoia..He would even say it was my own paranoia..

I would ask, I questioned.. I used to think I was a great mum, I was happy how well I knew my children.. So how could this go on under my nose for so long. How could I be so blind.

So what do I feel guilty about?

To be honest I don't know there is so many things I do. Why didn't I get rid of him sooner? Why didn't I protect my children better, Why didn't I act on what my gut was telling me?, Why do I feel pity for him now?, Why the hell do I even care what happens to him? I can honestly say I do not love him anymore but why do I still care? I feel guilty for caring about him, really I should want him to rot in hell.. but I don't .. He is in my waking thoughts and now even invading my dreams.. I wake up scared.. Thinking he is here.. He is after my children again.. Each one of us he hurt in different ways but then on the surface would act the perfect step father. Each one of us he had control over in some way or another. Through fear and aggression. Even me. I used to think I was a strong person... I used to think I could read people really well.. So why did I fail so bad here?

I have been thinking on this a lot.. why did I fail to see.. If I really look at it truthfully.. I did see but I was too scared to confront it.. Too scared to find out for sure what the hell was going on. To scared for my family and children if this got out. Too scared to be viewed as a failure of a mother. The one thing that I chose to do, be a mum.. If people find out about this.. Well its probably more a case of when people find out about this.. Will they think I am a failure? That I did not protect my kids. I thought I was giving them a better life. Away from the big city, Moving to a man who loved me.. Loved my children, was there for us as a family. But really I was moving to nearly ten years of hell. Even though I did question both of them a few times, to have it denied.. Even asked her separately, like you are meant to do .. But the threats he had made to her, twisted her so bad.. She would say there was nothing going on. So what could I have done differently .. Would I undo the last ten years if I could.. I don't know.. There are a lot of things in the last ten years I don't regret.. But if I could go back and do things differently .. I think I would.

But I can't so now I have to deal with this and move on, for not just my kids sake. But for my own sake. I can't change what has happened, I only have control over the now.. So.. Time to get on with it.

Feeling around in the Dark

((Originally Posted 1st October 2011))

Today started like yesterday.. overcast and constant rain. I wonder if that is having an effect on my general mood.. It could be.. who knows.. The burden seemed a bit lighter today though. I plugged back into the world. Did the usual grocery shop and after spending some time with the family I decided to get back to something I love to do. Role Play.

For those of you who don't know what that is. Its not something kinky.. lets get that straight. Its storytelling with a group of like minded people. Its usually based on a famous film or Tv series and my current one I am involved in helps take my mind off the crap in my real life. I suppose you can call it a means of escape.. In a way it is.. but we all need that to some extent. Call it a hobby.

I love to write, but since all this started it has been robbed from me. I had writers block for the longest time.. It was getting to the point where I thought it would never break. Do you know how frustrating that can be? The RP helped me break it .. its come back a little to some extent but thats because the pressure increased in my RL.. Hopefully it won't stick around long. I think that is another reason why I decided to write this. To cover my moods and feelings each day and deal as they arise and not have them buried within. To bury how you feel is not healthy and just leads to a breakdown .. That is not something I ever want.

My daughter has caught a cold.. Its so hard for her..I admire her strength..She amazes me each and every day. We have always had such a close bond. The Monster in our life's the one that is now gone but still overshadowing everything we do.. He twisted that bond.. used it as a weapon against her.. a threat to snatch her away from me.. To control her.. That is something that I am finding hard to deal with. Our bond is pure and to be sullied this way does not sit well with me. thankfully.. we have come out the other side now.. we still have some ways to go with legal things.. But her and I .. our bond is stronger than ever.

Now I am gonna take each day as it comes.. take one step at a time..eventually I will forgive myself and this blog will have a big part in that.

How it is..

((originally posted 30/09/11))


People keep asking how I am feeling if I am okay. I want to scream at the top of my lungs I am not okay...You know how hard it is to carry this burden? You know how hard it is to get up everyday and pretend you are fine .. have to be brave and strong for the kids. Have to not show them how shitty you feel inside.

This year has been an awful one and to be honest I cannot wait until it is over. To start with my marriage is over. In hindsight that's not a bad thing considering its been over since at least 2007, I really made a huge mistake here.. did I learn from it.. Hell yes.. will I repeat the same mistake .. HELL NO! But since the marriage collapsed before Christmas 2010, the things I have found out... How stupid must I be to not see something that was going on beneath my nose.. I am not going into detail here.. But my god.. why did I not see.. Why did I not cut the dead wood away sooner and save us all from pain..

I get told .. Don't blame yourself it was not your fault.. How can I not.. I am their Mother.. I am meant to protect and nurture my children not expose them to a monster. Yes he was dressed in sheep's clothing but still a monster.. the messed up thing is .. even now with ALL I know.. I still worry if he is okay.. I am still concerned to what happens to him ... Don't mean I would ever take him back .. HELL NO.. you can quote me on that.

I can't talk much yet on this.. lots of things still pending but the last couple of weeks I have been feeling out of control with my life. All the stress and worry since this year began is weighing down on me heavy.. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I do of course.. I go through the motions.. I talk to my kids..In RL that's all I do talk too.. Everyone else including family I have pulled away from. I have a lot of online friends... But I don't confide in them.. mostly they confide in me.. Find me an easy place to lean.. I have one I lean on... Lately .. I have even shut that person out.. Guilt..guilt for failing my children.. If you talk to them they will tell you I have not failed.. My daughter has said for a long time I am her hero.. I don't know why she says that.. I don't see it myself.. Maybe one day I will.. Once the world slows down..

So.. well.. I have decided to start writing this blog, to try and air the feelings I have locked inside. To try and give them a public voice. Writing this little bit has made me feel lighter.. This is just the start and I hope to start adding each day..

Right now though.. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE.. I am making this pledge today.. to turn this around, to stop letting that monster dominate my thoughts.. to stop letting this guilt I should not be feeling overwhelm me.. To be a better Mother.. To be me.. I miss me..