Yesterday, my daughter went really quiet, she seemed distracted. I kept asking her what was wrong but she was refusing to say. I was checking dinner and she come out to the kitchen to help me. I decided maybe it was time to ask again. She spun around to look at me and yelled "I feel bad because I put him in jail" I stopped abruptly looking at her intently. "You did not put him in jail" I replied. She was not ready to listen and stormed out of the kitchen.
I left it alone again, one thing I know about my daughter is too leave her for a while to calm down before tackling anything with her. She needed to be ready to listen so it will sink in what I had to say to her.
Later that evening as we were sitting on the sofa watching television I sensed she was calm enough to tackle it. I paused what we were watching and said "Babe, you did not put him in jail you know." she looked at me the pain apparent in her eyes "I did, I went to the police, I did the statement, I told" standing up I faced her and asked her "Who had control in this situation you or him?" she looked at me and said "Him." then I continued "Who continued to hurt you even when you asked him to stop" she says the same again, I nodded my head looking down on her hurt face "Who started this whole thing you or him" "him" she replied meekly "So then babe you tell me who is to blame" she said "him" in a quiet voice, she still was not convinced so I felt the need to add further "Babe, you were the child in this whole thing, you asked him to stop he could have at any time and he choose not too, not you. He made his choices in this you had no choice so this is not your fault" she nodded her head and I asked her "Why did you tell? what was your reason" I already knew the answer "I wanted to protect others from him, I did not want any other children suffering the way I did" I smiled to her sitting down beside her and taking her in my arms "It was the right choice, you took your power and control back and by doing so you have protected others from him" she nodded then just buried her head in my embrace.
Men who abuse in my humble opinion they do so for their own selfish reasons, and rarely just like rape its not about sex its about power and control. When we moved here the abuse my daughter suffered increased as she got older, we were more comfortable here and he was not. This resulted in him trying to control all aspects of her life, down to who she spoke to on the phone, where she was, who she was with. The way he used to blow up at her at the time had me concerned, most of the time I felt like a referee between them both. I now know why he exerted so much control over her. He did not want this secret to be known, as she grew and found her own voice he knew he would get found out sooner or later. So in retaliation he exerted more control over her and in turn over us all.
He used to brow beat my boys, not in front of me either, when I was out of the room or upstairs he would give them sly digs, call them names behind my back. Demoralized them to a point that they hated him and hated themselves. I have never called my children names, names just take away their spirit and I have always believed you call someone something enough they begin to believe in it. So behind my back he would do everything I hated and as the relationship between him and I got more and more strained it got worse for them . All this I have found out since I threw him out in December. When he was here , there were rows, and raised voices between him and the children but it always seemed to kick off when I was out of the room so at the time I never got to the bottom of it. When I would talk to them all and try to sort it out .. they never really told me the whole story.
Since his been gone at least a couple of times a week, we sit down as a family and talk about all of this and we even reminisce on the happy times. His name is not mud in our house and I allow each of my children to remember the good times we did have with him as well as the bad. He was a huge part of our lives for a long time and talking about it helps each of us in different ways. Not talking is more harmful to all of us and for each of us, to be able to move on from this and learn, we talk about our feelings, hate, love, loathing, missing, fear, anger, jealously, happiness, sadness. To name a few. I find us all talking brings us closer together and helps each of my children come to terms with everything,
One thing I can say through all this, it has not damaged my relationship with any of my children and even though at times I blame myself for bringing him into our lives, they do not blame me.
At first when my daughter disclosed, I did not want to believe.. I did not want to think that was going on under my nose for so long. Somewhere deep inside me, I did know but I just did not want to see, avoiding the pain of seeing was a lot easier than confronting it. Does that make me a coward? maybe? Its was a lot easier to accept what they were telling me at the time than to listen to my own instincts and discover what was really going on.
If anything I have learned from this, is too trust my instincts, for the longest time they were telling me something was not right, but because I trusted him, loved him. I wanted to believe him as it was the easier road to take. Now I know the harder road, no matter how painful it may be will be the wiser road to take.
